31 August 2013

Goodbye Vancouver

Goodbyes. It's hard to explain what it feels like to say goodbye to a constant you've had in your life for so long. I had this thought that it'd be easy. Like ripping off a bandaid real quickly, I wouldn't feel it that much. It's only until December, I told myself, but the ache inside my heart still remained.

Standing outside, hugging someone who's become so close before she left tonight, I can't explain the emotion that came over me. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, and wouldn't stop. I cried, which if you know me, is rare. Saying goodbye to someone is never easy. It's funny, really. The fact that it was harder to say goodbye to someone I've only been friends with for a couple of years than someone who I had labeled a "best friend" since the third grade.

Hugging my best friend since fifth grade only made it all the more real. I'm going to miss them. I'm going to miss the talks, the late night drives and singing along to Taylor Swift. I'll miss going to Denny's at 11:30 after finishing work, and gossiping about colleagues. I'll miss dancing all night and drinking so much that I don't really remember what it was I found so hilarious the night before. I'm not sure I could ever replace those people, but that's not the point, is it? You can't replace memories, or people. I'll be back in December, but it just seems like such a long time from now.

I might make friends, meet new people. Maybe I'll find my perfect companion, but something inside of me will always pull me home. Back to the people who know me; back to the people who understood that I had to leave to find my new adventure.

Here I am, at 2 in the morning, tears still streaming down my face as I write this. I'm going to miss my friends, no matter how much I try and convince myself this will be a great adventure for me. No matter how much I try and tell myself I'll learn a lot, and I'll grow so much. My only wish is that I could bring them with me; hide them in my suitcase and tuck them underneath my bed. It's hard making new friends, explaining your past and getting them to figure out why you are the way that you are. I've spent twenty-one years doing that with these people.

Now the idea of having to do it all over again scares the hell out of me. But that's the point isn't it? Starting new? It's always the scary things that are the most worthwhile.

30 August 2013

New Paths, Different Dreams

Yesterday I was getting my hair cut at the same salon I've gone to for the last four years, with the same stylist I usually go to. When I mentioned about getting ready to move across the country, she asked me about my acting. More specifically: Had I given it up? I really thought about this, because honestly, the amount of times I've been plagued with this question has been overwhelming.

I'll be taking political science in school, and I haven't registered for any theatre classes. I've got a film studies class, but other than that, nothing's really in the same genre.

To be honest, nothing could make me give up on it. Acting is something I wake up thinking about, get reminded of throughout the day and go to bed dreaming about being able to do as a job. It's a part of my life; it's a part of me. I've never really understood the idea of having it one way or the other. Can I not experience university and also pursue another dream? There's breaks, there's weekends, there's courses outside of the campus. I write, I watch, I study. Just because I'm not doing it in the "typical" way, and I might not have the same time to dedicate to it, but I still want it.

But then, is that running away? Am I avoiding the opportunity to succeed - and in the same way, fail - by going after something else before finishing my first dream? I want to be the type of person that can say with all certainty, that I've followed my dreams without hesitation. And if I fail, I fail, but it's not because I didn't have the guts to go after it.

Sometimes I tell myself in a few months, I'll go work harder for it. If I tweak something here, or work on something there, I'll have a better shot. Maybe I just need to stop making up excuses, or maybe I just need some time. Perhaps time at school will give me the thing I'm looking for. I don't even know what I'm looking for. But then maybe that's just making up even more excuses for myself.

So ask me again if I'm giving up on acting... the answer is no. You don't give up on the thing you can't go a day without thinking about. Maybe it's on the back burner right now. Maybe I need to find my drive for it again. But don't take this the wrong way, I haven't forgotten about acting and I won't be forgetting about that path. What an impossible thought, really.

29 August 2013

Starting a New Chapter

These next couple days mark a big chapter in my life closing, and another one starting over. On Saturday, I'll be heading to the airport to hop on a flight to Halifax. I'll be heading to university, away from everything and everyone I've never known. It's scary, yet slightly liberating. The idea of getting to start fresh in certain ways is really exciting. The idea of not having any of my safety nets with me however, is one of the scariest things in the world. I've never been away from my family. I've never been across an entire country for months at a time, without my mom or my friends.

I had my last day of work on Sunday, and was only slightly disappointed (I actually couldn't wait until I no longer had to pretend to like people when they were completely rude and obnoxious towards me...) when that day ended. I loved some of the people I worked with; it made those eight hour shifts bearable.

I've been making lists, checking them twice, gonna find out ... wait, sorry, wrong song.

Packing is awful. I don't just suck at it, I am shockingly horribly dreadful at it. I'm so afraid of leaving something behind, I've been packing, repacking, checking and then having to pack it up all over again. I just know it'll be over the weight limit, but at this point, as long as I have everything I just don't care.

I've been spending as much time possible with friends, and this also brings up another thing: Leaving has brought out just who really wants to be my friend, and who just wants me around for convenience; only when they want me. The ones who make the effort, the ones who have actually called me up and asked to hang out, are the ones I'm going to make an effort to keep in touch with when I'm gone. The rest, well I won't focus too much on. I'm going to use this change for good, and it'll help cut out all the weeds in my life.